Happy Women's Day. (How to spot a player?)
This is a public service announcement for women about bet, bro, beer culture! Please share with your sisters, girlfriends, mothers, aunts! Trigger Warning. This piece has been channeled and patterned through my lived experience of meeting men professionally and socially from India, Pakistan, Kenya, Brazil and the United States of America.
May you find true love and safe pleasure over abuse and abandonment.
Men with power, prestige, fame, and fortune, plus good looks, and sometimes neither use manipulation to maintain romantic and sexual links. These are some of the patterns to help us identify when we are being manipulated and don't even know AND is it more likely they won't get caught if we do find out and seek accountability. They know how to use their understanding of laws related to sex, childbirth, and marriage to safeguard themselves instead of being held accountable.
(As you read, notice what dots you naturally connect about your experiences and which memories come up. Ponder them in a relaxed state of awareness. Consider removing contact from the men (and other people) associated with those memories, even if you have kids with them and are engaged to them. Canceling them socially could lead to retaliatory harassment, or even death. The best is to block, distance, and heal so that your body can relearn trust in itself, your mind can gain clarity, and your heart can heal and, over time, share your story with close friends and family, or choose what feels right and true for you.)
The patterns of manipulation and behaviours is usually as follows:
The sale: They start by giving a woman a memorable time like flying off to Spain or exclusive event or access to VIP get-togethers where you meet celebrities etc. He does this to give her a fun and exciting story to give her girlfriends when she meets next time. The start is the perfect pampering experience, making her feel special, adored, and desired. They call it bullshit. Have separate financial accounts for such expenses, which may be hidden and removed when needed.
Usually targets younger women, women who are new to the place, country, travelers etc. Usually has multiple women (17-35 at a time) in his rotation of sexual/romantic links who are unaware of each other. Will likely distance you from shared professional and social connections with other woman he is playing/pursuing simultaneously. Has not matured enough sexually and emotionally to own and disclose non-monogamy as his preferred sexual expression and give informed consent to partners about not being exclusive.
Usually chooses contexts for dates where alcohol is socially the norm to consume. May be venues where bartenders know the code to spike the drink with rufies (drink and drive, slip and slide, fuck and forget, hit and run - in bro lingo) or other sedating drugs in medically informed proportions to create loss of memory over time and create the experience of sexual surrender that he instinctially desires but has not learnt how to earn without manipulation and substance abuse. The sexual exchange is usually nonconsentual for the body even if the girl said yes due to such strategies. Women are likely to remember the romance and not the sexual exchange. Women may have a blackout, a gap in the sequence of events relating to this man. Hazy and confused about what happened - women tend to feel "I dozed off and then I woke up and I cant' remember what happened in between" “It felt like deep sleep” “Like being under for surgery.”
Might also use limbic programming by saying "I want to marry you" into your ear right during sexual intercourse when we are at our most sexually open and emotionally vulnerable state. This imprinting is very effective. They know this creates implicit loyalty and expectation of marriage in us (which keeps us sexually and emotionally open to him) when there is no intent to on his part, and we stay in a waiting game. Might even propose with a ring and shower with expensive gifts, invite to vacations and parties with friends etc. Usually, the bros (male friends of such men) are privy to the play on the women and participate in the social programming. They usually know all/some of the other women he might be playing in such a manner and say the same thing (or specific stories to the end of going scott free) to each other whenever invited - "It's nice to finally meet my boy's queen" "He can't stop talking about you, what you do to my bro!", “She’s Lying, Look she is from a repressed culture and misunderstood me, it was a harmless come on to a colleague after hours!” etc.
Uses sexual shame, jealousy, queen culture, financial scarcity/ coupon mindset, implicit bias, racial stereotyping, social movements, racial beliefs, communal/racial loyalty, and competition among women to his advantage. Knows which one of those to use with you. Knows through peers the many categories of women (eg: easy, religious, elite etc, Indian, white, Taiwanese, African) and knows exactly how to approach the manipulation with each category to succeed. For example, common understanding among players is "you can ask a white easy women for anal on first plug (first time he penetrates a woman)! A religious women will need to feel you are in love and want marriage and family!" Conquer and control tactics to distort the web of support among women and keep women in the dark. Does not even consider your health, career, and personal needs in his mind while analyzing what to do. The focus is only his immediate sexual success and maintaining your availability for it on an ongoing basis on his terms. OR manage a risk associated with you of being caught for his many guilt-filled skeletons, some being as dark as murder, rape, illegal trafficking, etc. If all the women of any player would describe them, it would be like hearing a different man each time even though same man was in the picture, as they know how to assess a woman and then build fake resonance by becoming just like them. "I am sensitive" "I am shy" "I dont have a regular partner right now" When these things are not true for him, but true for the woman he is saying them to.
If you set sexual limits or say no to sexual intercourse, he may be instinctually (but unconsciously) driven to groom an existing sexual connection to become your body double. A best friend, sister, cousin, anyone whose energy ties back to you, a classmate from a course you are doing, for example. He might even feed the girl being groomed information, posts, blogs, videos, interviews, conversations, etc., whatever he has access to as fodder for the relationship with other women. She will be discussed, maligned, and even become a sexual inspiration. May use the boundaried women's sexual memories mentally while having intercourse with a body double. When the rejection remains unprocessed over time, he may also start having fantasies of doing the boundaried woman wet (right after sex) with the body double without them knowing. This type of quantum entanglement can become psychic/energetic weight that makes you feel stuck in an invisible threesome, involuntarily. They do target close friends and sisters to ‘poorly manage’ the sexual rejection as well. It is usually a form of sexual revenge and/or a form of destructively processing/integrating the rejection. If he is really, really underdeveloped sexually/emotionally, he may blackmail, create ploys, and galvanise shared professional and social connections to humiliate you - spit in your water bottle, gain access to your personal room, and fuck the body double in there to paint you as the ‘village fool’. Inability to graciously accept a sexual limit or turn down makes them into tyrannical leaders/kings. This is emotional and sexual immaturity and a form of false sexual entitlement.
Gaslighting (saying the opposite of what is true) to make a woman believe him and override the felt sense of truth. Eg: when I am suspecting dishonesty, will read that in me and say, "now you are accusing me of lying! that's not me". Saying the truth but with emotion of righteousness and anger as a sly and very effective way to misdirect our knowing.
Might show you texts and voice notes he sent to other women that he sent with the intent to share with you because you doubt he is cheating on you with her and also knows how to manage her confusion around it. Might also have other mutual connections (bros and women) lie to you to further misdirect. He always has someone in mind to throw the blame on if he gets caught to puppet to his ploys. If he has the skills to hack digital accounts of social networks (or if he has access, as in a marriage, shared passwords in trust) he will use that to send fake communications to show as proof of a banding together of all his ‘problem women’, usually all the ones that are onto his ploys to get his puppets to support him in his ploys. He will make common enemies (everyone onto him that he has abused, who he needs to weaken and falsify) for his puppets to rally against, and will abuse all trust given to him to succeed.
There is usually a bet with a bro behind a pursuit with a money pot where the shot and the amount is predetermined or a shot he has set his goal on in his own mind. The clue that a bet is at play is that he will ask to take pictures while with you sexually or socially. Those pictures will be shown to the bro to then collect the amount and eventually if you find out and speak up, be shared among shared contacts to use shame to intimidate and threaten into silence.
There is usually a woman being groomed to be his wife. She will be programmed at a very deep level for obedience. She is likely an accomplice and has no clue that she is completely cut off from her own agency. This woman will also be manipulated into harassing other women. “You can’t keep this child, I am his wife, you are just his mistress”!
Blackmail (maligning, defaming, misrepresenting) women that speak up or get suspicious, and bulldozing (removing from shared social connections). Might even call the cops or report a woman when she catches him with another woman. "She is a menace", "She has fucked everyone". "She is obsessed with me" "She likes me" "She is after me" “It’s an abortion each time we do it” “She is an idiot, I tell you!'“ are used among shared mutual connections to create social isolation of courageous women and women he could not succeed with.
Using IG photos updates, YouTube videos shorts etc as lead-ins to make the woman reach out to them. This is why Hinge was innovated to help woman choose who they wanna reach out to first.
Will always persuade and prefer to have sex without a condom to create more power over the woman using fluid bonding. Will prey on women's sexual shame or self confidence by saying "You are just so hot, I want to feel you fully". "I usualy don't like too, but I just can't help it with you." When every woman he has been with over the last 10 years was without a condom! Might also have preyed on women as young as teenagers to add to a felt sense of power by "puncturing". (Conceiving at will/sex initiated with the intent to conceive and abort) May boast a puncture count and not just a body count with his friends. Might even willfully follow/read a woman's ovulation cycle to impregnate at will without her consent to feel successful multiple times 'puncture and play' (the physiological and primal sense of success that men feel when they conceive), and then manipulate into an abortion. They have mislearned to abuse abortion for self-regulation, as a way to cope with romantic/sexual failure, disappointment, rejection, or letdown. Some have abortion counts of over 70, some in 100s. "Look I love you, but I am not ready to be a father". Might even look happy and celebrate the conception to show an emotional bond use words of romance, but inside be channeling the sense of primal success, but eventually use anything - fake promises to religion to make you get the abortion. Partners of players usually have multiple abortions during the relationships. Will likely remember the day he met you or the day of the first conception together and call it "baby date" (dating) and use it to defer breakups. "Let's get to baby date and then talk about breaking up". Usually has multiple illegitimate children that are unknown to the woman who he is professing love to or promising marriage. Those illegimate children's mothers were likely harrased and abused to get an abortion but chose not to. He might have said "I am not going to be there for soccer practice", "I am not going to be there for drop off from school", "This is not my child, its hers!" "It was an unplanned preganancy! It was drunken sex, I was just having fun like any person, it is an unfortunate accident" “She is a whore, it is not mine, she is lying!” While insidiously sometimes the energy of the hidden agenda of the puncture becomes the reason the women chooses to keep the baby unknowingly and organically blocking his play. He will 100% bulldoze such a woman. He may also recruit his bros to use social programming to get the woman to do what he wants. "She is keeping it to manipulate me to commit"! They know how to use ‘illegal abortions’ to get the pregnant woman or mother killed to remove proof of fatherhood. Punctures are also used to punish a partner for some grievance. Some are deranged enough to find a woman who has never had an abortion as a delicacy to puncture! There will be a hunger in him to succeed on such a woman.
Knows how to use conversions to Islam and Christian rules around marriage, confessions to get away from authorities when caught. Will likely have legal agreements already drafted for when he needs to bulldoze a woman. (That happens when sex gets put off the table or they find out about another woman, or him not getting his way). Will also have oppressive restraining orders placed on women who choose to confront and speak up about the abuse. Limiting social and professional access to deter speaking up as an example.
The overriding emotions of relating with men like this are inconsistency, confusion, exhaustion, lack of sexual and emotional satisfaction, feeling disempowered and drained energetically but high social esteem. There is usally some 'X' who is the enemy. Some crazy women! Lot's of drama and discord. They know the felt sense of power of controlling women sexually and abuse that to compensate for their lack of safety in the body and self-worth. They tend to use orgasms as a way to self regulate, as opposed to healthy sexual intimacy. They tend to be successful, intelligent, and very social men with many friends to pull in as wingmen, henchmen, or hitmen for the pursuit, or the bulldoze or any fantasy during the relationship. Eg: Do that one and that one on a yacht without them knowing it, and this bro is watching.
Uses travel time or free time at airports or while sitting with one woman to send the same messages to others, "thinking of you", "missing you" to ALL the women he is playing at one time or the ones he met at the same event. The psychological satisfaction of fooling women is more motivating than sexual satisfaction, love, and connection. They are terrified of losing control. May even throw parties for his bros where all the women invited (without knowing the agenda) are his sexual conquests of the year, a way to 'show' his worth and esteem to maintain reporting to me power dynamics with other men and female friends.
Ghosting - stopping commnciation, blocking, deleting all related financial accounts, communication, sharing “Bulldoze on Kimberley,” for example, to his bro group (which could be a cop, a hitman, judge, or media mogul), who know without further instruction to start shitting on her socially with tales that hold the King in a shared perception of innocence and then that woman over the years just dies off someday in a seemingly tragic event that no one would connect to the social bulldoze. Even her friends and family would not know it was a man she trusted because of such effective manipulation. She essentially becomes a ghost, a woman whose story will never be known. They usually ditch and dump ‘em. Ditch - dig a grave and bury in a forest or unmarked cemetery, (while it currently means ending a relationship). Dump into the ocean or another water body. Isn’t it sinister that the very language of dating we use today holds the remnants of such violence, as we use these words without even knowing it?
If you have experienced any of these, speak to someone you trust. Let your NO deter him from feeling successful, which naturally forces him to find healthier (for him and you) strategies to meet his needs.
The damage of such abuse is that our connection to our own truth, power, clarity, and choice weakens. Our brains become foggy, our wombs become infertile, and we have more self-doubt and depression. Our choices in life, love, and work, while in the dark, come from a disempowered mental state and therefore don’t enliven and fulfil us as much as we designed for.
Working with a seasoned Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (who is also trained in NARM) or any body based methodolody to strenthen self trust, our innate instincts of protection and to help our bodies release all the traumatic charge from every unknown, involuntary, uninformed, unconscious, nonconsensual sexual/romantic experience will reduce our chances of having complications during childbirth and also increase our well-being, relational harmony, and capacity to lead effectively.
May all Sapiens find true love and safe pleasure. Reach out anytime. Really. Any time.
In Love & Rage
Kâli Sapien
PS: Players come in all shades of skin tones. They are deeply deeply immature and their instinctual nature is misled into patterns of abuse through inherited limiting beliefs about women, peer learning, and power dynamics between male friends and colleagues. These dynamics play out in the absence of healthy structures of relating within the status quo of what success looks like. They are themselves robbed of self-respect and self-trust, and also lose their clarity, as players first and foremost are playing on their own hearts, minds, souls, and bodies. They are losing at what they really desire, without knowing it. They experience this as deep misery, which they work hard to cover up with more risky plays in a fruitless attempt to heal that misery. Their own bodies keep the score of ALL boundary violations as it is INTRINSICALLY a violation on the penis (and the vagina) when it penetrates through deception and deceit. Semen (and a womb) energetically and naturally want to be in its own integrity, this is natural law and no one is exempt from it. We just might have forgotten it due to the breakdown of integrated sexual development among sapiens everywhere.
They need our boundaries and our compassion to return to their own true nature. In my humble opinion, they are not psychopaths. That is a misunderstanding in psychology due to the studies and research being conducted by Sapiens in dissociated bodies with unintegrated worldviews, (usually the West).
PPS: This is not a political discussion on pro-choice or pro-life. Personally, I am pro consciously choosing to bring life in love and trust, and no other way! Choosing to bring life in a way that creates the conditions for life to thrive for the entirety of its life span of three generations of impact. Choosing to bring life into a family unit where the child learns healthy interdependence through the relationship between parents who are devoted to each other. Such a choice to bring life I consider sacred. I do not promote single motherhood, as I do not support a child being raised without a healthy relational field of support for a physiologically single unit (dyad) of mother and child. I do not promote a father relying on the mother for childcare and raising when his presence and attunement are what teach a child.
Such choices do not support the healthy development of a sapien child with both sovereignty and interdependence.
I believe the lack of this understanding (forgetting of this knowing in most traditional indigenous cultures of the world, including white indigenous people of Europe) is the reason for degenerative practices like the brocode proliferating. Such practices destroy the relational intelligence among sapiens, which also leads to the health crisis we have everywhere on Earth today. Eg: The absence of remorse is not a wiring issue, but the stuckness of the organic process of facing the impact of their choice (directly) and their energy evolving. This process is harder when there's an intergenerational absence of organic emotional metabolism in a sapiens relational memory.